The Truth About Narcissists
...and what it looks like to date one
Hi friend,
Today I want to get personal and talk about what it’s really like to be in a relationship with a narcissist.
This word is highly overused these days… and a lot of the time what we call a narcissist is really just a selfish jerk. A narcissist is a specific breed and inflicts a certain type of damage.
The key difference between a narcissist and a selfish jerk lies in their underlying psychology and motivations:
Narcissist (Narcissistic Personality Disorder): Narcissists have a deep need for admiration, an inflated sense of self-importance, and a lack of empathy. Their selfishness stems from a desire to maintain control, feed their ego, and manipulate others to feel superior. They often cause emotional harm and exploit others intentionally.
Selfish Jerk: A selfish jerk, on the other hand, may display inconsiderate, rude, or self-centered behavior without deeper psychological motives. They act out of momentary selfishness but aren’t driven by a pervasive need for validation or control.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.
It’s not that they love themselves, they actually usually hate themselves deep down, and they live their lives in such a way to mitigate that pain. Everything they do is to feed their own ego.
They cannot relate to you on a human level… you are simply a means to an end. This is often referred to as “narcissistic supply.” They need a steady stream of attention, validation, and admiration to maintain their sense of importance and superiority.
And when you no longer serve that purpose for them, they will discard you like yesterday’s trash.
Relationships with a narcissist are usually characterized by cycles of over-idealization and devaluation.
They love bomb you to gain control, because let’s be real, being bombed with love does feel really nice and if you’re vulnerable and have been craving an intense love for your entire life this will be addicting, and then they take it away, putting you in a position to do anything to get it back.
You become addicted to getting those hits of dopamine from the narcissist. And if you are love-starved and have no self-worth, the abuse will feel like a small price to pay to get that love you desperately crave.
They will also gaslight you, another big buzzword, where they make you feel crazy for feeling the way you do or interpreting a situation in the way you’re interpreting it.
I recently gave a live class to members of my You Will Be OK course about narcissism and emotional abuse and it sent me on a deep dive, digging through relics of my previous experience with a narcissist.
I came across a journal entry from that time and I wanted to share it because it paints the picture of what it’s like to love a narcissist better than anything. The journal was written but I typed it up because my handwriting is illegible, especially since I was so upset while writing!
I just spent an hour consoling the guy I’m seeing because he was upset that his roommate might hook up with a girl he may want to hook up with in the future. Why the f*** am I putting up with this? Why do I always put him first when he doesn’t appreciate shit? Why is it whenever I’m upset, I end up consoling him? Right now I’m boiling. Am I never allowed to be upset? Yesterday when I was upset over Jackie (my roommate) he didn’t care and was more concerned with video games, yet I put important things in my life on hold to make him feel better whenever he needs me. I don’t deserve this.
I care about him and want him to be happy but is it worth it if it’s at my expense? He completely takes advantage of me and just uses me to feel better about himself. I’m so confused and alone and I can’t talk to anyone about this because none of my friends understand this mutant breed of man I’m dealing with.
He snaps at me and never says ‘thank you,’ just that I don’t make him feel valuable. I guess I understand that he wants to keep his options open but for how long? When is it gonna be enough?
This is a small excerpt from a long and complicated relationship… and I want to share more about it if you’re interested because it’s a story so many will relate to.
You can see the confusion in my heart from that tiny excerpt. I mean, I was consoling this guy because he was upset about losing out on the chance to maybe hook up with another girl… and he twisted things around in my brain to make me think somehow this was OK. My fury indicated that it wasn’t, but then at the end of the entry, I’m justifying why maybe he is right and I’m wrong.
And that is what it’s like being with a narcissist. You’re wrong, they’re right.
He had an uncanny ability to turn everything around on me. I started to believe that all our problems were my fault. In my journal, I wrote about how I made his depression worse by being too needy, how I was always the one pushing for more, how my demands for a relationship were unreasonable. I began to feel like I was the one who was broken. But then he would reel me back in with kind words and affection, just enough to keep me hanging on.
We had arguments that would leave me emotionally exhausted, but whenever I tried to pull back and regain control of my life, he wouldn’t let me go. He always found a way to drag me back into the chaos, keeping me emotionally hostage.
Eventually, we broke up because we both realized it was co-dependent and toxic… I was devastated, but part of me knew it was for the best. I started moving on, I found a nice, stable, emotionally healthy guy to date… and it’s almost like that sent out a bat signal because the Narc came swooping back in a few weeks later.
He needed me. I was the only one who could help him and heal him. And I fell for it, because I was weak and his grip over me was too strong.
There is a lot (like a LOT) more to say but I’ll leave it here for now.
That relationship damaged me to the core (and I didn’t even tell you yet about the real damaging parts!). I was broken for many years and it seemed to confirm my worst fears about myself: that I was broken and unlovable. That the ones I love will leave. They will trade me in for a better model, the upgraded version.
It took a long time but I did find my way back. And if you have gone through this hell, I want you to know there is healing and there is such a beautiful warm light at the end.
All my love,
Sabrina
Thank you for sharing. I can relate and have been no contact for a short period of time.
So hopeful that it will get better as I move on without him. It is such an awful experience.